The Rebirth

Hi, my name is Ren. If you’re reading this, that means I mustered up the courage to actually hit “publish”. I’m excited that you’re here and ready to journey with me towards embracing and nurturing all that we were designed to be. Before we get into the nitty gritty, the stories, and the information-I would love to share my story with you. 

Growing up I was not the “cool girl”. I was not the girl who had everything together. In fact, I was deeply insecure for most of my life. Back story; I was about 7 years old when my dad started a church. Was it something I ever expected? Not at all. My dad worked for an insurance company and my mom worked for the city. We became an overnight ministry family with my dad preaching, and my mom and I (along with my cousin) were the worship team. The greatest parts about growing up in a ministry family were the amazing impact it had on my family’s spiritual journey, and meeting some incredible people along the way. The difficult part about it was that those same people I would meet and become emotionally attached to would enter and exit my life consistently throughout my childhood. And let’s be honest-even when people did stay, it was hard to share my parents with what seemed like my entire world and community. With that being the case, feeling rejected or abandoned became a recurring feeling that I would suppress through my early teens.

Other than that-I was not the stereotypical preacher’s kid. If there were a show called “preacher’s kids gone wild”-the producers would find themselves out of a job if they recorded my life. I was a snooze when it came to that, I just genuinely was not interested in living wildly and recklessly. I was, how they say, “very demure”. I believe we all have pain and we all deal with numbing that pain in different ways-and mine was not that. In fact mine was the opposite of that-I was an overachiever and perfectionist. I would do anything in my power to do and be the absolute best in any field, whether that was in school, artistic pursuits, and good behavior. Some would call me a goody two shoes (personally, I don’t think there really is such a thing because if thoughts could kill…I’d be in jail). But the reality is, I was trying to live up to an impossible standard I set for myself to find validation in the approval of people. I always felt different, whether it was due to being a pastor’s kid, being the only black kid in the class, or even just being myself staying on the “straight and narrow” path. This vicious cycle of feeling abandoned, outcasted, and constant people pleasing ultimately lead me to having suicidal thoughts as a pre-teen. Thankfully those thoughts never became methodical, or played out. But I didn’t like my mind, I hated my thoughts and how my thoughts made me feel. And I just wanted to escape it all.

Eventually, I entered into a pretty codependent friendship (not even knowing what codependency was at the time) that left me even more desperate for validation. I became comfortable being a side character in this person’s story rather than being a lead character in my own story. After a few years, the toxicity became more and more evident until it reached a boiling point. We were both to blame really, but I decided it would be in my best interest to end communication. At the time, losing my closest friend was the most difficult decision I ever made, but it was the first healthy decision I made for myself. I remember being in a room in my house I would often go to to play the piano, and I got on my knees and prayed and cried and confessed to God all of what I was feeling. All of my fear. All of my insecurities. The people that hurt me, and the times I hurt myself. I knew I could hide nothing from Him, so I poured it all out. (Sidenote: it is totally possible to know God, but have never received the fullness of what pure love can do for your soul, the key is to expose our most deep, dark places so that they can be touched by it). When I was finished, I looked up and saw on the back of a chair two stickers/letters on each leg. One had an R on it and one had an L on it. A still, small voice inside of me said, “You have two paths in front of you. On one path, you can keep hiding who you truly are to fit in. You’ll be liked, you won’t have to take many risks, and you can be comfortable not knowing what is on the other side of your fears. On the other path, you will have to take on a new identity. You will need to take risks, and consistently do the things that scare you. Some people will reject you. But, you’ll be free.” I honestly had to think about it. Because how many people do you think live today believing they are confident, and even free, but are actually slaves to whatever the culture or environment around them thinks is best for them? How many people would choose being relevant over being authentic? Or being loved versus being honest? I once did. In hindsight, if I had chosen the first option I wouldn’t be here writing to you today. I chose freedom, and then I was given a new name. Remember those two stickers on the back of the chair “L” and “R”? Well, my government name is “Lauren”, but my chosen name from that day forward became “Ren”. The path of freedom was connected to my name.

Now before this idea of freedom becomes associated with just being “weird” or “alternative”-let me stop you there before freedom gets watered down to that. The kind of freedom I mean is the freedom that comes with knowing and having a relationship with the One who made you and who knew you before you were even conceived. Our creator. Accepting every single detail of your true identity, and finding out why you are here in this world. That’s freedom, and even more, that’s purpose. Okay not gonna lie though, I can still be a little weirdo sometimes, and that works just fine for me. Owning all of who you are (which I’ll talk about in a later blog) requires you to courageously dig into every part of yourself and be honest about where you are. We are not projects to be fixed, we are broken people who have the option and ability to heal. Healing is a lot of work, but if I recovered from a severely broken heart and mind, so can you.

I have one single passion for all who are reading-that you would find out who you are and why you are. You are important. You do have a massive impact on the world by just existing. And you are worthy to be seen, known, and loved. Read those last three sentences aloud and breathe that truth deep into your belly. Whatever your past is and whatever your pain is, as long as you are alive you will always have the potential for hope and a future. I was met with hope at one of my lowest moments, and that’s why we can not despise our lows-they are the ground zero of our new beginnings. I’ve messed up plenty of times, I’ve even given into fear many times, but no matter how much my path has had mistakes on it, I continue to bloom because I’m committed to finishing this journey. And I am so honored that I now get to help bring sunlight and water to your own blossoming tree. My name is Ren, and I’m ready to continue to discover the real me, are you?