Tag: love

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Don’t Lose Your Love

I’ve been feeling a knot in my stomach lately. The most similar and familiar feeling I can compare it to is the feeling when you are getting your heart broken, or when you know you’re about to get your heart broken. I guess in a way-the state of the world, and specifically my country, is breaking my heart. The chaos, the violence, the hostile and bitter disputes among people who were once friends. It’s gotten beyond out of control, it is heartbreaking.

Before you clock out because this reads like it’s going in the direction of gloom and doom, I bet you’ve felt what I’m talking about, and I bet you’ve had thoughts like, “if this group of people will do this right, if this person will finally change their mind, or if this system will change…things would be different”. What if I told you that as long as those kinds of thoughts occupy everyone’s brain, nothing will change. 

 As a follower of Christ, a woman, an African American, and a Millennial/Gen Z member, you can only imagine how many ways it’s difficult for all of me to coexist in this current social, spiritual, and political climate. In a few words…what a disaster! The advantage though, is that because of this complexity, I am able to empathize with many different groups of people. However, what I’ve begun to notice is that as the years go by, all people groups, no matter what they claim to stand for, have become more and more siloed. Each group is gradually sinking deeper and deeper into thoughts of what benefits them, and what hurts them. We have slowly begun to completely disconnect from any recognition that other types of people (even good people) could possibly think differently than us. I am not somewhere sitting on a high horse excluding myself from this. We are all victims of this condition called human nature. Some will blame the worsening state of this condition on social media, news outlets, politics, and the list goes on and on. But it doesn’t really matter how it happened -we are here-and if we don’t address it, no one will win in the end.

I was talking to someone recently about the horrific period of the Holocaust. This person knew a survivor of that time period, a man who was the sole survivor in his family. The (somewhat) shocking fact about this man is that he himself was a German. A pure blooded German. And he was not the only German who found himself in a concentration camp, he was one of many. Why? Because the simple reality is that hate never stops with one group. It is designed to destroy everyone and everything-including its original host. Racism and bigotry will eventually catch up to everyone because the spirit of hate will always want to remain in a position of power at the expense of someone else’s destruction. Misogyny (not masculinity, misogyny) has had awful impacts on women, but it first negatively impacts men. I have seen it firsthand do a lot of internal damage on young men’s ability to healthily express and process their emotions. Without this ability, it often leads them to a state of anger and depression. The very subjects that misogyny claims to “empower” ends up hurting the ones it was supposed to empower. And those are just a few examples. Hate will reach everyone-if we allow it. And this is why it is so important, that no matter where you stand, you do not tolerate hate when you see it rear its ugly head. What I’ve currently observed is not the absence of people calling out hate-but people only calling out the hate of their preference. The hate that impacts people that look like them, vote like them, and believe like them. Then when another, different type of group is impacted by pure hate-it’s radio silence. That’s, quite simply put, naive and dangerous.

I get it, it would be exhausting to give mental space to write about, talk about, and be about justice for all. But for all of my fellow Americans, isn’t that in our pledge of allegiance? For all of my fellow Christians, doesn’t God command us to seek justice and defend the oppressed (Isaiah 1:17)? We will not agree with everyone’s choices, but can’t we agree that hurting, killing, and dehumanizing another human being is wrong? And if we can’t-what have we become? Empathy is one of the very things that makes us human. Technology can’t empathize because it does not have the capacity for emotions-it has no soul. That is the one advantage we actually do possess over technology; when we lose that, we’ve lost our place in the world. Should we be angry at injustice? Yes. But why should we surrender our ability to love in the midst of it?

Love has been, and always will be, the catalyst for hope. And hope leads to change.

Going back to the beginning of my blog, I mentioned nothing will change if we let certain thoughts occupy our minds all of the time. Thoughts like “if this person will finally change their mind, or if this system will change…things would be different.” So why are these thoughts wrong? After all, depending on the context, some of these thoughts could be true! The reality is, they may be true, but they won’t be effective. Because if everyone is considering what needs to change outside of themselves, then no one will actually change. I don’t know how my readers feel about a man by the name of Michael Jackson (I can literally hear the cheers or the boos as I’m typing). But the man did have a point in his song “Man In the Mirror” when he said “if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, then make a change.” As my mind was swirling about a month ago when the United States was at a heightened state of political and social unrest, yet again, my knee jerk reaction was to blame other people. To start scathing at other people, or just desperately desire a certain group of people to see better and do better. Conveniently removing myself from having to do any sort of inner work or assessment. Because I think my way is right, or at least better. And I’ll tell you flat out-in certain instances, I can stand on my opinion without any hesitation. However, one thing I’ve learned over time is that as soon as you think you’re standing-you’re actually sinking. Once pride settles in, you are on shaky, crumbling ground. Pride will have you thinking you are right 100% of the time 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Pride will have you consider the opinions of only the people who conveniently think just like you. Pride will have you pointing out everyone else’s faults and be in denial about your own. And the scariest part about pride? It disguises itself. Even justifies itself. To the person that’s reading, I have a request-love yourself too much to be prideful.

With humility, forgiveness, and patience, I believe we can start having the tough conversations with each other that will lead us down a path of healing. But healing can only take place for those who truly want it. Just like a marriage, or any relationship that necessitates tough conversations, you have to want the relationship more than you want to be right. I’m not saying go out there and have a conversation with just anyone. Not everyone will be mentally and emotionally mature enough to have a healthy conversation. Use wisdom and precaution. However, if an opportunity comes that you perceive is possible to have a productive conversation, do it. Open up that door without the goal of simply “winning over” the person, but to see their point of view, as you hope they see yours. 

I have a sister who I love to life, she is now one of my very best friends. However, we grew up thinking each other were either crazy, or stupid. We would fight all the time over very little things until we were young adults. Then one day, after having one of our meaningless fights, I had an epiphany. What if she’s not crazy? What if, based on her different personality type and perspective of life, she just sees things differently than I do? We grew up in the same house, had the same values, and life experiences, but she is simply different than me. And I am different than her. And we’re both not crazy! (Maybe a little depending on the time of the month). Once we realized that-our relationship completely changed and we became as close as ever. Now, we embrace and respect our differences instead of disregarding them.  Again, I’m not saying this will work for everyone and every circumstance, but it is absolutely worth a try.  

Isn’t relationship worth a try? Isn’t unity amongst ourselves as the human race worth, at minimum, a try?

Not because everything will always work out the way we want it to, but so that we don’t lose our love. Remember-love leads to hope, which leads to change. I leave you with this; in a moment where the world looks a lot like the prophecy outlined in the bible in Matthew 24, specifically when it talks about “the love of many will grow cold”, will you choose to be the many? Or dare to be the few?

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None of Your Business

If you haven’t noticed by now, I often start my blogs by filling you in on things that God woke me up out of my sleep to tell me. If it’s getting old for you, trust me, it’s getting old for me too! Like can’t we pick another time of day for deep life perspective shifts? Well a couple months ago, it happened again…a Sunday morning, sky still dark and starry, my mind not fully awake…and then I heard this question, “why do you need people to like you?”

At first, it seemed a bit random because that wasn’t anything that was currently on my mind. But I knew instinctively that He didn’t just ask a question like that for a quick response. He wanted me to go deep, to look within…at 4:30AM (womp womp). So I decided to do a self-assessment; why do I need people to like me? What is that longing that’s inside of me that wants people to see me in a certain light? Then I realized something, my desire to be liked is really based out of the fear of rejection. The idea of not being liked by the people around me is frightening because it implies that I would be rejected, isolated, and ultimately-alone. Feeling accepted, even if there is a lack of integrity attached to it, is to feel a sense of belonging and safety. How deceiving is that? The lie of “if I ensure that I’m doing everything in my power to be what someone else wants me to be, I’ll be seen, known, and loved”. But who are they seeing? How much do they really know you? And the scariest question of all-how real is that love? Love can only be as real as the people involved in it.

Then there was another thought that came to mind- basing your identity on other people’s opinions of you will never work out long term, because people and circumstances change. For example; we live in a culture now where even the most successful and celebrated people in one season can become “cancelled” in another season. However, on the flip side, no matter what people may think of you in the moment, you are the one who ultimately determines who you are, and who you’ll become. And you are the one who controls your own thoughts. If you’re currently in a mentality that believes “I don’t know who I am until somebody tells me who I am”, unfortunately, that somebody’s opinion of you can change on the drop of a dime. But even when people don’t like you, or may even have a false opinion about you, at the end of the day when you lay your head on your pillow-you still are who you are. The truth about you will not change, it always shows up. That being the case, your focus should not be on what people think about you, your focus should be on what you think about yourself. Ask yourself- “who am I?” “What is the truest version of me?” Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to say you should completely rule out people’s opinions of you when investigating yourself. For example; if the closest people in your life are all saying you’re kind of…a jerk…you probably are. Don’t worry, God and therapy can fix that. However, it is to say that we must be careful not to entirely base our beliefs about our identity on the fleeting opinions of other people.

I know in my case, there’s probably been countless times where I misjudged someone initially. Anyone else been there? And then when you actually got to experience the person and know them better, you realized you were wrong about them. Even the best of us can be wrong sometimes. That’s a clear indicator that a person’s opinion of you can change, but the truth always comes to the surface. Have you ever embarrassed yourself badly, or put yourself out there and got rejected, and never thought you would recover? Didn’t you always somehow recover with time? When we have an embarrassing moment, or experience a moment of rejection, we have to remember that they are simply just that-moments. It is the collective of many moments that make us who we are, not just one moment. We have to understand the crucial truth that rejection is an action-not an identity. How we respond to that rejection is what shapes our mindset. I’ve been guilty of allowing some rejections or perceived failures to define me-but not anymore. I challenge you to join me in daring to be all of you whether or not that brings rejection or embarrassment. Why? Because I’d rather be free and rejected than bound to the approval of others. Who we are at our highest potential as humans is remarkable. Marked for greatness. Full of power.

My husband and I are currently serving in ministry at our church, and in full transparency, I definitely want those who we serve to like me. And at the end of the day, I think it is normal for you to want people to like you. Here’s the problem; becoming a leader is literally signing yourself up to be met with either admiration or scrutiny. We’d all prefer the former. However, we have to remember that people’s opinions are so complex because people have complex lives, backgrounds, and experiences. There could be a plethora of reasons a person may or may not like you because of situations you would never even think to consider. A lot of times those opinions have absolutely nothing to do with you and absolutely everything to do with someone else or something else. Even so, opinions are so futile that they can always change. That’s why it’s better to let people’s opinions of you be their business-not yours. 

I remember when I was starting to take classes at a film school in LA. I was still a teenager, I didn’t know anyone at the school, and it was my first real footstep into the “entertainment industry”. Wrapping my head around it all on my first day, my heart beating fast and my palms sweaty, I paused outside on my way to the car for a moment. In that pause, I took a deep breath and let the sunshine caress my skin, and let my heart feel warm and full again. I realized-all that I needed or wanted, was inside of me. I knew I was loved deeply. I was seen. I had joy and laughter in my soul. After realizing those things-it was not a matter of me needing something from anyone anymore, it was about what I could bring. To that school. To those people. To the world around me. Because when you stop focusing on people’s opinions of you, and wanting their validation, you begin to not want something from them, but want something for them. 

I invite you to take the same pause whenever you feel anxious or self-conscious. Breathe. Feel your heart beat. Hug yourself. Remember the love that is already yours. Remember the God in heaven that has an incredible plan for your life. Remember that you must first be a safe space for yourself. When I did this for myself, I realized I was creating a home, a safe place, inside of me that I could always come back to no matter what happened outside of me. Starting from this foundational place of safety has made me a better sister, friend, daughter, and wife. When we can focus less on what we want people to see and more on the quality of who we really are-we will have better, deeper relationships, and therefore feel less alone. If everyone on the planet could do the work of finding validation internally-through love-imagine what a better world it would be. We would go from greedy to giving. Judging to understanding. And no one would be alone.

Will you be apart of that number?