Author: Ren Roberts-Headlee

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Don’t Lose Your Love

I’ve been feeling a knot in my stomach lately. The most similar and familiar feeling I can compare it to is the feeling when you are getting your heart broken, or when you know you’re about to get your heart broken. I guess in a way-the state of the world, and specifically my country, is breaking my heart. The chaos, the violence, the hostile and bitter disputes among people who were once friends. It’s gotten beyond out of control, it is heartbreaking.

Before you clock out because this reads like it’s going in the direction of gloom and doom, I bet you’ve felt what I’m talking about, and I bet you’ve had thoughts like, “if this group of people will do this right, if this person will finally change their mind, or if this system will change…things would be different”. What if I told you that as long as those kinds of thoughts occupy everyone’s brain, nothing will change. 

 As a follower of Christ, a woman, an African American, and a Millennial/Gen Z member, you can only imagine how many ways it’s difficult for all of me to coexist in this current social, spiritual, and political climate. In a few words…what a disaster! The advantage though, is that because of this complexity, I am able to empathize with many different groups of people. However, what I’ve begun to notice is that as the years go by, all people groups, no matter what they claim to stand for, have become more and more siloed. Each group is gradually sinking deeper and deeper into thoughts of what benefits them, and what hurts them. We have slowly begun to completely disconnect from any recognition that other types of people (even good people) could possibly think differently than us. I am not somewhere sitting on a high horse excluding myself from this. We are all victims of this condition called human nature. Some will blame the worsening state of this condition on social media, news outlets, politics, and the list goes on and on. But it doesn’t really matter how it happened -we are here-and if we don’t address it, no one will win in the end.

I was talking to someone recently about the horrific period of the Holocaust. This person knew a survivor of that time period, a man who was the sole survivor in his family. The (somewhat) shocking fact about this man is that he himself was a German. A pure blooded German. And he was not the only German who found himself in a concentration camp, he was one of many. Why? Because the simple reality is that hate never stops with one group. It is designed to destroy everyone and everything-including its original host. Racism and bigotry will eventually catch up to everyone because the spirit of hate will always want to remain in a position of power at the expense of someone else’s destruction. Misogyny (not masculinity, misogyny) has had awful impacts on women, but it first negatively impacts men. I have seen it firsthand do a lot of internal damage on young men’s ability to healthily express and process their emotions. Without this ability, it often leads them to a state of anger and depression. The very subjects that misogyny claims to “empower” ends up hurting the ones it was supposed to empower. And those are just a few examples. Hate will reach everyone-if we allow it. And this is why it is so important, that no matter where you stand, you do not tolerate hate when you see it rear its ugly head. What I’ve currently observed is not the absence of people calling out hate-but people only calling out the hate of their preference. The hate that impacts people that look like them, vote like them, and believe like them. Then when another, different type of group is impacted by pure hate-it’s radio silence. That’s, quite simply put, naive and dangerous.

I get it, it would be exhausting to give mental space to write about, talk about, and be about justice for all. But for all of my fellow Americans, isn’t that in our pledge of allegiance? For all of my fellow Christians, doesn’t God command us to seek justice and defend the oppressed (Isaiah 1:17)? We will not agree with everyone’s choices, but can’t we agree that hurting, killing, and dehumanizing another human being is wrong? And if we can’t-what have we become? Empathy is one of the very things that makes us human. Technology can’t empathize because it does not have the capacity for emotions-it has no soul. That is the one advantage we actually do possess over technology; when we lose that, we’ve lost our place in the world. Should we be angry at injustice? Yes. But why should we surrender our ability to love in the midst of it?

Love has been, and always will be, the catalyst for hope. And hope leads to change.

Going back to the beginning of my blog, I mentioned nothing will change if we let certain thoughts occupy our minds all of the time. Thoughts like “if this person will finally change their mind, or if this system will change…things would be different.” So why are these thoughts wrong? After all, depending on the context, some of these thoughts could be true! The reality is, they may be true, but they won’t be effective. Because if everyone is considering what needs to change outside of themselves, then no one will actually change. I don’t know how my readers feel about a man by the name of Michael Jackson (I can literally hear the cheers or the boos as I’m typing). But the man did have a point in his song “Man In the Mirror” when he said “if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, then make a change.” As my mind was swirling about a month ago when the United States was at a heightened state of political and social unrest, yet again, my knee jerk reaction was to blame other people. To start scathing at other people, or just desperately desire a certain group of people to see better and do better. Conveniently removing myself from having to do any sort of inner work or assessment. Because I think my way is right, or at least better. And I’ll tell you flat out-in certain instances, I can stand on my opinion without any hesitation. However, one thing I’ve learned over time is that as soon as you think you’re standing-you’re actually sinking. Once pride settles in, you are on shaky, crumbling ground. Pride will have you thinking you are right 100% of the time 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Pride will have you consider the opinions of only the people who conveniently think just like you. Pride will have you pointing out everyone else’s faults and be in denial about your own. And the scariest part about pride? It disguises itself. Even justifies itself. To the person that’s reading, I have a request-love yourself too much to be prideful.

With humility, forgiveness, and patience, I believe we can start having the tough conversations with each other that will lead us down a path of healing. But healing can only take place for those who truly want it. Just like a marriage, or any relationship that necessitates tough conversations, you have to want the relationship more than you want to be right. I’m not saying go out there and have a conversation with just anyone. Not everyone will be mentally and emotionally mature enough to have a healthy conversation. Use wisdom and precaution. However, if an opportunity comes that you perceive is possible to have a productive conversation, do it. Open up that door without the goal of simply “winning over” the person, but to see their point of view, as you hope they see yours. 

I have a sister who I love to life, she is now one of my very best friends. However, we grew up thinking each other were either crazy, or stupid. We would fight all the time over very little things until we were young adults. Then one day, after having one of our meaningless fights, I had an epiphany. What if she’s not crazy? What if, based on her different personality type and perspective of life, she just sees things differently than I do? We grew up in the same house, had the same values, and life experiences, but she is simply different than me. And I am different than her. And we’re both not crazy! (Maybe a little depending on the time of the month). Once we realized that-our relationship completely changed and we became as close as ever. Now, we embrace and respect our differences instead of disregarding them.  Again, I’m not saying this will work for everyone and every circumstance, but it is absolutely worth a try.  

Isn’t relationship worth a try? Isn’t unity amongst ourselves as the human race worth, at minimum, a try?

Not because everything will always work out the way we want it to, but so that we don’t lose our love. Remember-love leads to hope, which leads to change. I leave you with this; in a moment where the world looks a lot like the prophecy outlined in the bible in Matthew 24, specifically when it talks about “the love of many will grow cold”, will you choose to be the many? Or dare to be the few?

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Start Dating Failure

“Start Dating Failure”…what in the metaphor does that mean? *cue the rewind sound effect*

I started my therapy journey (well, restarted for the 5th time) last summer. Not because I was living through a crisis, going through depression, or anything externally tangible, just wanting to get rid of some self-sabotaging tendencies I had.

I “discovered” a few things that I probably already knew about myself. (That’s no dig to my therapists at all) but when you’re at best, self-aware and at worst, self-conscious, you analyze yourself pretty consistently. I knew I was a person that based my self-worth in my performance. I knew I had struggled in the past with feelings of rejection and abandonment…who hasn’t? But as I started to work through some of the scenarios in my upbringing, I actually found something I had never considered; growing up we are taught to win, to do our best, to achieve everything we’ve ever dreamed of and go after it! But what we need to be more intentional about, is teaching others and ourselves to have a healthy relationship with failure. If not (and this is what happened to me) failure becomes this big, taunting, horrifying figure that we will do anything to try to avoid. Even at the expense of potential blessings. 

This perspective of failure causes us to over emphasize the fear of a painful loss, and therefore prevent us from taking any risks. And here’s the tricky part-even if we think we are great risk takers in one area (like business) often times the fear of failure could show up in another area (like relationships). No one is exempt! And if that’s still not your story, maybe the fear of failure doesn’t prevent you from trying, but it prevents you from giving it your all, just in case it doesn’t work out. The thought is, “if I don’t put all my cards on the table, I’ll still have something left over just in case it flops”. But the reality is- for any dream, great achievement, or even a relationship to work-you have to give it your all, win or lose. This isn’t to negate the fact that failure is painful, sometimes it can be excruciating! But if I may pose a different train of thought…what could be more excruciating is living beneath your potential, and seeing someone else live out the life that you made the choice to forfeit.

I’m currently working through this in one particular area of my life. From a young age, I was always passionate about music and singing. One of my most vivid memories is me being about 5-6 years old, jumping into my parents bed early on a Saturday morning because I had an idea for a song. I sang it to them with all the joy and confidence in the world. As I grew older, after my father planted a church, I grew to love playing the piano. I took lessons for a few years as a child, but afterwards I learned to play by ear. There were a total of 3 private rooms in the church that had a piano, and I would find myself behind one of those pianos every time we went to church-which was all the time. When I entered into my moody teenage years, I got my own keyboard at home and I played my heart out every single day. All throughout this time I consistently sang on my church’s worship team, started vocal lessons, and became really invested in my music up until about 16 years of age. I was ready to take on the world! I took 3-4 of my favorite self-written songs and I was prepared to start producing an E.P. I was on my way to becoming the next Adele (this was my thinking). But somewhere along the way, my little girl passion started shrinking behind my young woman feelings of inadequacy. How good was I really? Okay…maybe I was good but I wasn’t as good as (fill in the blank). And this was my biggest self sabotaging thought-everybody wants to be an artist, what makes you any different from the others who have tried and failed?

You may not have a dream or a passion like mine, but I’d say if you’re alive and a human, you’ve likely struggled with these types of thoughts. Then, once we do have those thoughts, we camouflage them with the excuse of “I’m just too busy”, “I don’t have the money”, or “I’m just waiting on my moment to be recognized”. Could that be true? Maybe. But here’s the other truth-we’ve seen countless examples of people who have no business being at the top of their game, coming from the least expected of places. Ask Oprah Winfrey, or Viola Davis how many excuses they could have made to not take a chance on themselves. But somehow we convince ourselves that we are exempt from the favor they received. And was it purely favor? Or was it their patience, belief, innovation, and refusal to accept less than what they dreamed of? Instead of seeing those beacons of hope as the exception-we need to start to see ourselves in them. I bet they had to learn to cope with their failures, and see them as opportunities of learning rather than a permanent rejection. I bet somewhere along the way they probably thought about quitting on a rough day. I bet when they look back at all the hell they had to go through to get to where they are, they would choose to do it all over again. How many other Oprahs or even Bill Gates’ are living in this world with the potential to be great, but just couldn’t cope properly with failure, and they became stagnant? I don’t want that for me, and I don’t want that for you.

Greatness belongs to those who are not afraid to fail, and are resilient enough to fail forward.

Putting myself back in the hot seat again…when I think of my reason for not wanting to fail, it was not even the fear of what others might say or think, but what I might think of myself if I failed. Similar to rejection, it is hard to sometimes disassociate something being a failure, from you being a failure. But here’s the key-we must recognize that failure is absolutely inevitable. I don’t care how irrevocably perfect you may be, one of these days, one of these tries, you will fail at something. And it’s not because you as a human being are the problem, it’s because maybe the people, place/context, or timing wasn’t right. It could be something you overlooked or didn’t have knowledge about. No one is the best at something on their first try. And when those moments happen, don’t get stuck on the fact that it happened, start planning how to fix it for your next attempt. Be resilient! As long as you keep shooting at the target, and you keep getting better each time, eventually one of those shots will hit the bullseye. The only way you won’t hit the target is if you don’t take the shot. Some things are worth the heartache of failure. Some things you will have to fight for. And the biggest fight could be against your ego.

I’m learning that it takes humility to succeed. I wish I could be the best at everything, but I’m not. I wish I could crush everything I ever tried for the first time, but I won’t. And that’s not only okay, that is everyone’s journey. But you know what we should still do? Show up. Try again. Be vulnerable enough to go after what God has placed in your heart. Because after learning a few things and going through the fire a few times, you’ll be a champion. A beast. A baddie. But more importantly, you’ll be resilient, you’ll be less afraid of failure, and you’ll go after even greater things! So start dating failure…aka…go after the things you could possibly fail at that are worth the risk. Get familiar with it until it’s no longer a foreign, scary figure. Just don’t marry failure-because you and I? We’re still in it to win it.

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None of Your Business

If you haven’t noticed by now, I often start my blogs by filling you in on things that God woke me up out of my sleep to tell me. If it’s getting old for you, trust me, it’s getting old for me too! Like can’t we pick another time of day for deep life perspective shifts? Well a couple months ago, it happened again…a Sunday morning, sky still dark and starry, my mind not fully awake…and then I heard this question, “why do you need people to like you?”

At first, it seemed a bit random because that wasn’t anything that was currently on my mind. But I knew instinctively that He didn’t just ask a question like that for a quick response. He wanted me to go deep, to look within…at 4:30AM (womp womp). So I decided to do a self-assessment; why do I need people to like me? What is that longing that’s inside of me that wants people to see me in a certain light? Then I realized something, my desire to be liked is really based out of the fear of rejection. The idea of not being liked by the people around me is frightening because it implies that I would be rejected, isolated, and ultimately-alone. Feeling accepted, even if there is a lack of integrity attached to it, is to feel a sense of belonging and safety. How deceiving is that? The lie of “if I ensure that I’m doing everything in my power to be what someone else wants me to be, I’ll be seen, known, and loved”. But who are they seeing? How much do they really know you? And the scariest question of all-how real is that love? Love can only be as real as the people involved in it.

Then there was another thought that came to mind- basing your identity on other people’s opinions of you will never work out long term, because people and circumstances change. For example; we live in a culture now where even the most successful and celebrated people in one season can become “cancelled” in another season. However, on the flip side, no matter what people may think of you in the moment, you are the one who ultimately determines who you are, and who you’ll become. And you are the one who controls your own thoughts. If you’re currently in a mentality that believes “I don’t know who I am until somebody tells me who I am”, unfortunately, that somebody’s opinion of you can change on the drop of a dime. But even when people don’t like you, or may even have a false opinion about you, at the end of the day when you lay your head on your pillow-you still are who you are. The truth about you will not change, it always shows up. That being the case, your focus should not be on what people think about you, your focus should be on what you think about yourself. Ask yourself- “who am I?” “What is the truest version of me?” Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to say you should completely rule out people’s opinions of you when investigating yourself. For example; if the closest people in your life are all saying you’re kind of…a jerk…you probably are. Don’t worry, God and therapy can fix that. However, it is to say that we must be careful not to entirely base our beliefs about our identity on the fleeting opinions of other people.

I know in my case, there’s probably been countless times where I misjudged someone initially. Anyone else been there? And then when you actually got to experience the person and know them better, you realized you were wrong about them. Even the best of us can be wrong sometimes. That’s a clear indicator that a person’s opinion of you can change, but the truth always comes to the surface. Have you ever embarrassed yourself badly, or put yourself out there and got rejected, and never thought you would recover? Didn’t you always somehow recover with time? When we have an embarrassing moment, or experience a moment of rejection, we have to remember that they are simply just that-moments. It is the collective of many moments that make us who we are, not just one moment. We have to understand the crucial truth that rejection is an action-not an identity. How we respond to that rejection is what shapes our mindset. I’ve been guilty of allowing some rejections or perceived failures to define me-but not anymore. I challenge you to join me in daring to be all of you whether or not that brings rejection or embarrassment. Why? Because I’d rather be free and rejected than bound to the approval of others. Who we are at our highest potential as humans is remarkable. Marked for greatness. Full of power.

My husband and I are currently serving in ministry at our church, and in full transparency, I definitely want those who we serve to like me. And at the end of the day, I think it is normal for you to want people to like you. Here’s the problem; becoming a leader is literally signing yourself up to be met with either admiration or scrutiny. We’d all prefer the former. However, we have to remember that people’s opinions are so complex because people have complex lives, backgrounds, and experiences. There could be a plethora of reasons a person may or may not like you because of situations you would never even think to consider. A lot of times those opinions have absolutely nothing to do with you and absolutely everything to do with someone else or something else. Even so, opinions are so futile that they can always change. That’s why it’s better to let people’s opinions of you be their business-not yours. 

I remember when I was starting to take classes at a film school in LA. I was still a teenager, I didn’t know anyone at the school, and it was my first real footstep into the “entertainment industry”. Wrapping my head around it all on my first day, my heart beating fast and my palms sweaty, I paused outside on my way to the car for a moment. In that pause, I took a deep breath and let the sunshine caress my skin, and let my heart feel warm and full again. I realized-all that I needed or wanted, was inside of me. I knew I was loved deeply. I was seen. I had joy and laughter in my soul. After realizing those things-it was not a matter of me needing something from anyone anymore, it was about what I could bring. To that school. To those people. To the world around me. Because when you stop focusing on people’s opinions of you, and wanting their validation, you begin to not want something from them, but want something for them. 

I invite you to take the same pause whenever you feel anxious or self-conscious. Breathe. Feel your heart beat. Hug yourself. Remember the love that is already yours. Remember the God in heaven that has an incredible plan for your life. Remember that you must first be a safe space for yourself. When I did this for myself, I realized I was creating a home, a safe place, inside of me that I could always come back to no matter what happened outside of me. Starting from this foundational place of safety has made me a better sister, friend, daughter, and wife. When we can focus less on what we want people to see and more on the quality of who we really are-we will have better, deeper relationships, and therefore feel less alone. If everyone on the planet could do the work of finding validation internally-through love-imagine what a better world it would be. We would go from greedy to giving. Judging to understanding. And no one would be alone.

Will you be apart of that number?

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Leave Me Alone

“Leave me alone,” are the words that I imagine echo in the inner chasms of the modern day woman’s mind when asked for anything. I’m not saying men aren’t as busy as women, that wouldn’t be fair, I’m just speaking from my experience. There are some extra mental and emotional stresses that women in particular carry. That might get me in a little bit of trouble, but I think I’ll stand by it anyway. Allow me to give you some context surrounding my thoughts: I was finishing up my hair one day (which for a black girl with curly hair means after about 3 hours of labor) when I realized I made the mistake of promising to make dinner directly afterwards. My day had already consisted of spiritual devotion in the morning, a physical workout, mental exertion (work and life responsibilities), relational responsibilities (I have a husband and a puppy), and then I had to commence my dreaded 3 hour “hair wash day”. Not to mention, the unspoken expectation on me as a woman to be nice, and look nice in the midst of it all. Safe to say, we laid our burdens on to Doordash that night. 

Then I thought about something, something deep, something profound, something striking; if my life is busy now, imagine what it would be like with kids! I cringed at the thought of it, but after a while I challenged this narrative and idea that children are what/who to blame when your life starts to spiral out of control. I don’t think it’s exclusively a kid problem, I don’t even know if it’s more responsibilities that lead your life to spiral out of control. If you find yourself constantly stressed-and I’m not talking about occasional or normal stress, I’m talking about chronic and constant stress that causes you to gradually lose your taste for life (I’ve been there)-I want you to consider two things: 

  1. What are the external and internal expectations that you currently live with? 
  2. Are you taking advantage of the help that is available, or are you only reliant or trusting of yourself?

A wise man (my father) once told me stress is found where there is a lack of clear structure. If we are to build a sustainable life, we must first establish a sustainable structure for our lives. I  want to start with breaking down unrealistic societal expectations first. Spoiler alert: this breakdown will focus on the female experience as I feel ill equipped to speak to the male experience. However, men, please continue to read on to better understand your other halves.

From the beginning of time, the sole purpose of being a woman was thought to be: to serve her family. That meant while your husband was outside working, you were at home cooking, cleaning, and bearing and caring for the children. While the men were working, women were at home working just as hard. However, that all changed during the age of feminism. There were some women who were brave enough to be the minority by posing a new way of thinking; women are just as valuable in the workplace as men are. Women joined the workforce, became CEOs and entrepreneurs, joined the military, and more, and proved that they could be both a boss and a homemaker. If we’re keeping track, that’s two expectations, and two jobs; one full-time job as the homemaker, and now another full-time job on top of that as a breadwinner. Nothing wrong with being both, but I want us to paint a clear picture of what expectations we’re actually living with.

Now here’s the best part, currently in today’s society we have been awakened  to the idea of self-care. You may be wondering how I am about to make self care out to be a “bad” thing. It’s not that it is a bad thing, it’s that when taken out of context, it has become yet another societal pressure. The pressure is to look good, feel good, and be good all the time. It’s not enough to cook meals; you have to cook healthy. We try pescetarianism, veganism, and workout 5 days a week to maintain a 20 year old’s figure. You must keep your nail, hair, and wax appointments around the clock. You have to find a hobby to stay interesting, and you have to go to brunch with your girlfriends once a month. If you don’t do all of this, clearly you’re not living your best life. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s job number 3!

Here’s what I think makes a difference: self care is not about what’s good for everyone, it’s about what’s good for you. If getting groomed isn’t your thing, but nature is, ditch the excessive beauty appointments and spend time outdoors. If going out to brunch with friends doesn’t appeal to you, start reading a book with your friend group and have a virtual book club. I still think you should eat as healthy as you can and exercise, but you don’t have to be on Kim Kardashian’s diet and workout routine to be healthy. Look for recipes for healthier versions of the foods you like. I live in Texas so this may get me cancelled-but quit frying and start baking that chicken! If it’s seasoned and juicy, what’s the actual problem? If you hate the gym, find a way to move your body multiple times a week that is more enjoyable for you (I like long walks, dancing, and at home workouts). My point is-I think what ties us up is the unrealistic expectation that what works for another woman has to work for us. Our mothers were homemakers, so we should be able to do it without help too. Or our role models are bosses and CEO’s that still have families, so we should be able to do it all too (not realizing that they usually have a support system or even support staff in their daily lives). When we get caught up in comparison to others, we lose the joy in what works for us because we see it as less than. It’s time to let go of the unhealthy expectations of ourselves and others, and start rebuilding a more meaningful and sustainable lifestyle. But we can do none of this without the second part, which is asking for help.

This is the moment where we start to cringe. “Help? Who is that? I don’t know her,” is typically the reaction we humorously give when people ask us if we’ve asked for help when we’re overwhelmed. Sometimes we can get so caught up in the day to day busyness that “asking for help” just seems like an additional task to add to our to-do lists. It feels like a chore because of the level of strategy it takes when thinking of what would make sense for who to do what when, and the vulnerability it takes to then ask that person for the help. Not to mention the potential disappointment you’d feel if the person says no. After all of that mental and emotional exertion we become so tired considering asking for help that we never do it. The fear of rejection or “being looked down on” if we ask for help is far too common. We must also make sure that we are not looking down on others who ask for help, just because we are honestly upset with ourselves for not asking for help. It is a vicious cycle that only boomerangs around to hurt ourselves. It’s better to ask for help and be rejected until we find the right support, than to not ask at all and risk stretching ourselves too thin.

There’s a saying “it takes a village to raise a child”, well I believe it takes a village to simply be a human. At some point, whether we like it or not, we are going to have to ask someone for help on our level. For some people, help may look like hiring child care, or a cleaning company. For others it may look like asking a trusted family member or friend to watch your kids, or asking your husband to evenly split the household chores. I’ll give you one more example-on the journey of fitness, I’ve found that it is much more fun and rewarding to take on a fitness challenge with a friend group. You laugh through the pain together, encourage each other, bounce ideas off each other, and can celebrate victories. Life is much sweeter when you let people in and ask for the kind of support you need. How else can we allow ourselves to be fully seen? I encourage you today to first identify the unrealistic internal and societal pressures that are placed on you so that you can rebuild your ideal life, and then include a support system. My hope is that this new train of thought will help turn our “leave me alone” moments into “welcome to the village” moments.

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Invisible Building

The most beautiful things you will build in this life are things you can’t see; building your faith or self-esteem, building memories with loved ones, building a love over a lifetime with your spouse, building your character, building bridges. You get the picture. This is the unspoken but always present reality of this life we’re gifted to live. We are often only reminded of the value of those things when we take them for granted, or when it may be too late. I was hit by a truck with this reality throughout the entirety of last year.

2024, I’ve discovered, meant a lot of different things to a lot of different people. For some, great progress, for others, great pain. The common thread I’ve gathered from a lot of people was that it was a time of great change. For me, the year started off somewhat normal and even “glamorous” on the surface. I went on a work retreat with my husband to Honolulu in January and got to see some family and friends from our church in LA. Unknown to me at the time was that my great grandmother was in the process of transitioning to heaven. Less than a month after we returned from home, we found out she had passed away. The news came as a shock for multiple reasons:

  1. She was seemingly recovering from the condition she was originally hospitalized for. In fact, they were planning to release her shortly before she passed.
  2. The day we found out that news, we were visiting my husband’s side of the family because his grandfather was also preparing to transition.

An unexpected and great amount of loss gripped me and my husband’s lives within less than a month. But one thing to know about me is that I am a functional processor. What does that mean? It means that I move with my sadness, I don’t sit on it. The tricky part about that is, I can have a powerful moment of worship, or one night of ugly crying, or a great conversation, and I feel like my healing process is completed. It’s why in the past I’ve sat with a therapist 2-3 times, felt like I got the advice I was looking for, and then stopped going ever again because “I got what I needed”. I am a high functioning healer. Sometimes I even function the best when I’m in pain. But the question that haunts me in the back of my mind is- am I subtly leaving my wounds unhealed? Do I sometimes understate the pain I’m actually in? The answer is yes. But I’m working on it. And I hope you’ll do the same.

Sometimes we just need to say “I’m sad” or “that hurt me” to someone we trust. Maybe the very reason people may not check on us is because we never give them reason to. See it’s one thing to know you’re the strong friend and not want to be it, it’s another thing to start doing the work to get out of that habit. Some people do very well at falling apart in front of the people they trust, and being very candid and open in their weak moments. That is not me-it’s just not my reflex. My reflex is to help others but keep most of my weaknesses to myself. Ugh. I know that’s bad, you don’t have to tell me. Coming out of my last therapy session, I realized that I mostly process things alone. And I felt like that worked, because I would actually feel better sometimes. But because I processed within, not only was I missing the benefit of my relationships, my relationships were missing the benefit of truly knowing me. Without being open with my people, I wasn’t letting them see me or giving them the opportunity to love me better by teaching them how. Even Jesus was willing to let people see Him in His weakest moment in the garden of Gethsemane. Now they may have fallen asleep, but He was still willing!

This was a lesson I had to learn by disruption, not by choice. The passing of my great grandmother started my year, but the end of the year brought a decent amount of pain as well. Within one week, there was a health scare with my grandfather, a childhood family friend passed suddenly and tragically, and to finish off the week there was another health scare with my other great-grandmother. At a certain point, I just lost all of my “spiritual etiquette”, looked up at the sky and said “God-okay. This is too much. Please slow down.” But then I thought about something-I don’t have a choice in what does or doesn’t happen to me in this life. Unexpected surprises, or heartaches, are common in this life. In this moment, that reality was staring at me blankly in the face. The reality is, we all must return to our maker someday, and all things must eventually come to an end. The only, and I mean only thing that we can put our hope in-is in the things we can’t see. God. Love. Eternity. This life can be so disappointing. Between deaths, divorces, relationship dynamics changing, moving, what is there to really hold on to forever? Moments are constantly slipping through our fingers and we can’t hold on to them. They keep moving. But that’s why we can’t hold on to our lives too tightly, but trust in God’s plan for us always. Even when those plans sometimes don’t make sense while we’re on Earth’s side, He will give us exactly what we need in the moment that we need it. Whether high or low, happy or sad, dark or light.

Even in the midst of the sadness, I realized I had everything I needed. I had a husband who held me through it all, and a family who loved and supported me. I’ll pause right there because I’m not naive to the fact that there are some single ladies and fellas reading this or some people who have strained relationships with their families. I want to encourage you right now, friend. There is always something or someone for you if you look hard enough. Whether it’s a friend, a teacher or mentor, a therapist, a recovery class, sometimes even a podcast. Something is always there, the question is-are we letting them/it in? If you can relate to my “high functioning healing” self, maybe by now you’ve noticed that you can’t completely heal in isolation. It just. Won’t. Work. This year I have two challenges for us; I’m challenging us to be bravely, completely, and painfully open with someone(s) you trust. It may just save our lives.

Can you live again? After death in any form has reshaped your world? Yes. You can dream again, you can start again, you CAN build again. But when you start to build again, (here’s the second challenge), make sure that you’re building towards something you can’t see. It’s the invisible things that last forever.

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Change is a Dagger

“Change is like a dagger,” are the words that came to mind as I sat up in my bed, still in my pajamas with crusty eyes at 11 AM, 3 days into unemployment. You would think that after willfully resigning with the desire to deep dive fully into what I perceived as my “next”, that I would at least be in an excited, fun loving mood. I mean- at least while I’m just 3 days in right? Nope. I found myself wide awake at 3AM the night before. After 30 minutes of trying to go back to sleep, then 45, then an hour, I decided “let’s just throw in the towel”, and I literally leapt like a lunatic out of bed. I tip toed down the stairs to not awaken my husband or my dog (the latter probably most important) and into the living room. I paced around that living room for an hour, my mind racing with thoughts of “Am I stupid?” “Did I really do this for the right reasons?” “Is it too late to go back?” “Of course it is!” (Aren’t you so glad these vulnerable moments tend to happen when no one else is around to see us).

The truth is, change is like a dagger, my friends. It’s a more intimate and gentle way of dying. Change is a dagger to your ego. Whatever you thought was sustaining you in a previous season, has to disappear to make space for your next. Change requires you to lose who you were so you can become who you’re going to be. That’s what I was experiencing in that moment of frustrated and relentless questioning. In hindsight, I was peeling back the layers of myself that I had come to comfortably live on auto pilot with. I love and hate change, like most people do. We love it when we’re on the brink of it, because the idea of things being better than they are now sounds as delicious as a chocolate molten lava cake. We love the idea of quitting the “9 to 5” to make room for the career or purpose of your dreams. The promise of a future where you are your own boss, not limited to anyone’s expectations, and making profit on your passion-who wouldn’t want that? But what does that look like in the meantime? Budgeting, downsizing, saving more, spending less. Taking odd jobs. It looks like not taking that vacation you were planning to go on, or eating out every weekend at your favorite restaurant. It looks like maybe NOT being financially independent for a season and relying on your spouse to be the primary bread winner. Ouch-that one hurts just typing it! Or maybe we love the idea of getting married. But even the right person causes you to lose the focus you once had all to yourself. (Every relationship is a distraction, the question is- is it a beneficial one or a dangerous one?). When you’re married, you must take that other person into consideration with every decision you make. I’ll tell on myself for a minute as I’m no expert on this…there was an instance where this was put to the test in my life. 

My husband and I were newly weds living in Los Angeles in 2022, and my entire immediate family had just moved to Dallas only a few months after our wedding. My family had flown back to LA to visit right before my sister Makenzie’s birthday. This would be the first time in history I had missed a sibling’s birthday, and birthdays were/are a HUGE deal in my family. I was outside in the backyard grumbling to my family about how much I hated that I was missing the birthday party, while my husband was inside the house for a few minutes. Like an unexpected gift from an angel above, I was offered the opportunity to fly to Dallas to experience the party and then fly back to LA the following day! I completely jumped at the opportunity without any thought or question. I knew that my husband would not be able to make it, he had work to do in LA, but I thought-it’s just a quick turnaround trip-what could it hurt? Within the span of 5-10 minutes the flight had already been booked. You read that right-booked! (To their defense- the person who offered to fly me out likely assumed I had at least texted my husband to make him aware before I arranged my trip). But here I was, trip fully booked, and I ran gleefully inside the house to tell my husband that I was leaving in a few days. Thank God he is a gracious man, but let’s just say, I realized very quickly that my “single girl” mentality was going to have to die just as quickly as those flight tickets were booked. 

This is just one example of what you don’t even realize will have to be adjusted when you go from living single to being married. You may need to do some things you never had to do when you were single. Change means work. And if we’re not careful, we’ll start to secretly resent the things we once prayed for. However, it’s also okay to grieve what once was. I’m currently grieving the simplicity of knowing exactly what to expect out of my life and myself. I’ve grieved my previous job title, and the pride that came with it. I’ve grieved what it felt like to know without question when my next check was coming. As I sit in my new home in Dallas, TX after a year of being here, there are still moments where I grieve Los Angeles. I’m grieving-even though my husband and I knew Dallas was knocking at the door of our destiny, even though I feel more peace and purpose here than ever before-I still grieve sometimes. See how tricky change can be? Happy, sad, mad, and glad can all reside inside of you in a single moment. And that’s okay. The question is- are you making space in your life to feel the entirety of your emotions? Adapting to change is a process that requires time, patience, and compassion for others and self. Don’t be too hard on yourself for being human.

The funny thing is, I started this particular blog entry about 6 months ago when I first took a leap of faith and resigned from my previous job. Today, as I finish writing this blog, I am just a few days away from being officially introduced into my next and arguably most destiny aligned role yet. In between then and now, I’ve cried, laughed, panicked, had peace, asked for help, and helped myself; but perhaps the most important thing I did was yield to the process of change. I had goals and ambitions, but never could I have pictured precisely how I’d get to where I am now. I had to yield and often times surrender to the voice of God for each and every step I took, even when I didn’t fully understand it. Maybe you’re in a season of grieving what once was. The past can become a monument in our lives, and if we’re not careful, we’ll idolize our past at the expense of our future. Change is difficult, but I can think of something worse than change-forever staying the same. Never knowing what you could have become or the potential of your life. Seeing another person live out the dream that was once yours, but you settled for less. Secretly dying inside every day knowing you have so much more to offer the world. Remember-change is only for a season and change will soon become your new normal. But deciding to stay the same could cost you the rest of your life.

So with tears in my eyes, I’ll take the dagger. I hope you’ll do the same.

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Toxic Couple

Weddings just so happen to be one of my favorite things in life. As a kid I remember being chosen as a flower girl for a woman that went to our church. My sister and I were the lucky girls that got to dress up in beautiful satin lavender dresses, go to the hair salon to get our hair pressed, and be featured guests in that beautiful picture-esque fairytale day that every girl dreams of. As a grown woman who has already had a wedding of her own, I still love going to weddings. In fact, after one whole entire year of not going to one, I’m having slight withdrawals. Now I’ve undoubtedly been to some weddings that were “nicer than others” and some where things went wrong, but at the end of the day, weddings are normally a joyous occasion that surround the love and excitement of two blissfully happy people. There is no disaster that can take that away. The only way to make a wedding day a true disaster is if the bride and groom are a toxic couple.

Imagine the groom saying to the bride on their wedding day “I don’t love you. You are nothing, you are worthless, and I just need a wife for the convenience”. Or vice versa the bride saying to the groom “you are stupid, you’ll never be good enough, but I need you to carry out my life’s plan.” Then they dress up, smile, and go about their wedding day like nothing happened. Sounds like an episode of Scandal. If you’ve ever been around a couple that are visibly bitter and cold with each other all the time, you know that it completely sucks the joy out of the room. Everything feels tense and awkward, and you want to run away. If we understand it is bad for us to be in external environments such as that, then why do we allow toxic environments in our own minds? Because when a negative voice in our head starts speaking to us and we accept it, we are making vows with it. We are accepting it into our lives, and giving it room to not only live with us, but grow with us. Sometimes the negative voice may come from outside of us, often times it can unfortunately come from a family member or authority figure. Wherever it comes from, the moment that we welcome it and ultimately agree with it-boom-we’ve just had a wedding.

I lived for almost 15 years married to a lie about who I was. A person I loved at a very early age told me I was “timid” and “shy”. In hindsight, what they were observing in me is that I was introspective. Looking back at the evidence of my childhood- I was constantly doing choir solos at my church, I was lively and playful, and usually would volunteer to speak or sing just about anywhere! However, because of that one moment where this person falsely identified one particular trait I had, I clammed up like a shell from that point forward. It’s not that I didn’t have the ability to be courageous, I didn’t believe I was courageous. I made a vow with those words “timid” and “shy” until it actually became who I was. Sidenote: there is nothing wrong with being naturally an introvert (I’m an introvert with extroverted tendencies). Some of my favorite people are actually introverts. However, the problem is that I agreed with being timid, which is completely different. Timidity is parallel with fear. And fear, when used counter productively, creates chaos in our lives. Some vows need to be broken, and I’ll tell you how to do it. You challenge them. 

My husband and I recently helped my parents by babysitting my younger sisters while they were traveling. As a part of our “bootleg summer camp” as I called it, we took my youngest sister Ella to one of her favorite trampoline parks. Although she was excited to be at one of her favorite places, there was one particular section in the park that sparked some nervous curiosity. There were about 7 tall padded cylinder blocks that were arranged in a half circle, each one getting progressively taller as you go, like a set of stairs. The kids were strapped to a harness as they were able to climb the blocks, and once they got to the last one, they could jump off and slowly float down to the matted floor. Ella, although hesitant about going all the way up, decided to try it, and each turn she went she climbed one cylinder higher. We probably embarrassed her the way we were cheering her on and preaching at her to “just take one more step baby!” and “you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you!”. But it worked, and we were so proud of her!

After a few more turns, a mother came behind us in line with two of her daughters, one younger and one older. As we were cheering my sister on, she started talking to us about how excited her two daughters were to be there. When it was her older daughter’s turn to go next, she made a statement to us in front of both of her daughters about how her youngest was more brave and adventurous, but her oldest was more fearful and probably wouldn’t do it. The next thing that happened blessed me in a profound way; her oldest daughter, overhearing the conversation, said three simple but profound words, “no I’m not”. Then proceeded to start climbing the cylinders all the way to the top and jumped down almost aggressively, and when she was done she even went for a second turn. I didn’t realize it immediately in that moment, but my inner little girl felt redeemed. I was happy for the girl that she was able to disagree with what could’ve ultimately been a trap for her identity for the rest of her life. It took me almost a decade to disagree with/divorce a lie and see it for what it was. Who could’ve known that just three words “no I’m not” could be so powerful?

What lies about yourself or your life do you need to divorce? Maybe all your life you believed you were unattractive, unworthy, or unlovable. What person do/did you need to disagree with that you’ve let have power over you for so long? Maybe it’s a parent or a teacher. I’ll tell you something though, the words “no I’m not” will hold no weight if you don’t believe that you are something different. To disrupt the pattern of thinking that I was timid and afraid, I had to believe that I was bold and courageous. I had to start “acting like” a person that didn’t agree with fear. But this was beyond just faking it until you make it, it was a commitment to mentally, emotionally, and physically agreeing with the truth. The hardest part about it was that the truth didn’t always feel like my truth. I was actually afraid. I did have some social anxiety. I spent more time being timid than I did speaking up for myself. But in spite of the “truth” of the reality of where I was coming from, I decided to embrace the greater truth of where I was going. It took work, therapy, and straight up God! But one day (I don’t know exactly when it happened) I started to fly with new wings. When you change your mind you can change your life. How do I know? Proverbs 23:7 (NKJV) in the bible says “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he”. I leave you with this-when you think about the voice that lives rent free inside of your head, see it as a person. Then ask yourself this-are we a toxic couple or a match made in heaven?

I only have two requests of you today, divorce the lies, and choose love.

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Own It

“For what is a man, what has he got?

If not himself, then he has naught”

-Frank Sinatra

So many times in life we hear the saying “just own it”. There are undoubtedly more times than not that the “it” someone is trying to get us to “own” feels like a recipe for trouble-that’s why we were trying to cover up the “it” in the first place. They want you to admit something that you want, did, or sometimes an entire side of yourself that you wanted to keep hidden.

They want you to own that you like someone that could cause you potential embarrassment if you admitted it. Or maybe they want you to own that you actually hate the banana pudding that your grandma proudly makes every Thanksgiving. (And that’s a secret that you would take to your grave). Then there are some deeper, darker truths that we don’t want to own-like the fact that for our entire lives we’ve been shrinking ourselves to try to fit into the world around us. Some people look in the mirror and hate what they see, but instead of owning that truth, they wear ego like a disguise for the lack of confidence they really have. But I’ll let you in on something; it’s better to own the ugly parts of ourselves. Why? Because if we don’t ever own those things, we can never heal. 

Okay, that may have been a bit heavy to start off with-so let me fill you in on something more light hearted about my own struggles with owning all of myself. About 5-6 years ago, there was one specific detail about me that was difficult for me to own. In fact, I still struggled recently to decide if I would publicly share this. Are you ready? I, Lauren Roberts-Headlee had never been in one single romantic relationship until I was 23 years old. I mean not even a date. Not even a 1 week middle school fling. So step to the side Yvonne Orji and Rebel Wilson for admitting to still being virgins in your 30s…your girl over here had never even had a first kiss until her early twenties! Okay, some of you may read that and say “what’s the big deal?” 23 is a perfectly healthy age to decide to start dating. The only problem with that statement is…it wasn’t exactly by choice…(womp womp womp). I can type this while laughing and joking about it now because that stage seems so far away, but you have to put yourself in my shoes at that time. I was young and vulnerable, and the boys that I tended to like didn’t like me back the same way. Of course, the boys I didn’t want wanted me, but who pays attention to that? While I watched my friends get swept into romances (no matter how good or toxic they seemed) I felt severely left out. What did I do wrong? Why can’t I be more like (fill in the blank)? What do I need to change about myself to be loved? These were the subconscious thoughts swirling through my head daily. Maybe if you discard the specific situation I was in, you’ll find that you also live with these questions that you dare not say out loud.

One thing I’ve recognized is that it’s so much easier to try to change ourselves into something that looks like it already works, rather than embrace what makes us different. Now, would owning all of who I was at that time make me walk in more confidence and ultimately lead me to score the man of my dreams back then? Maybe, maybe not. But I can tell you this; if I had decided to give up my identity and values and become someone else to attract men that, in hindsight, weren’t the right fit for me-my husband probably wouldn’t have been drawn to me once we finally met. The people that are truly meant to love you the way you deserve to be loved are waiting on you to be the real you. I chose (some days painfully) to not only accept but embrace who I was-a beautiful, perpetually single, high standard-having, fine cup of mocha coffee, and whoever was meant for me was going to find me. To my delight, Iove was waiting for me just around the corner. The bottom line is this-when you subconsciously accept the lie that who you are “isn’t good enough” you will constantly find yourself in situations where you will feel rejected. And you will feel rejected not because there’s anything wrong with you, but because you are looking for a stamp of approval in people who even at their best aren’t worthy to validate who you are. That is a God sized job. Your circle of friendships/relationships should just confirm the great things that you already believe about yourself. And if they don’t-it’s time to find a different circle.

Maybe you’re looking at yourself right now and saying “okay, but what if the part of myself that I’m afraid to own is actually a legitimate problem?”. Owning who you are is not about embracing the uglier parts of you just so that you can stay that way. Admitting where you currently are is the first step in planning how to get to where you are going. I used to know someone who would constantly admit that they were “lazy”, and wear it like a badge of honor. While I appreciated the honesty, they simply embraced that fact and didn’t aim to be better (probably because they were lazy). All jokes aside, that is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about circumstances when we are living in deep denial about ourselves, and won’t admit to our issues because we don’t want to be vulnerable enough to admit that we are weak in certain areas. That is a dangerous way to live. You can’t heal what you won’t reveal. The way I see it we have two options-reveal our ugly parts for one season so that we can heal and live freely-or cover it up and let it live under the rug taunting us for the rest of our lives. You will feel vulnerable and you will feel weak when you expose your ugly parts in the beginning, but over time the very thing that was taunting you will one day become a story about what you overcame by facing it head on. And when you do, you will be surprised at just how many other people go through the same type of pain. Hiding brings isolation, while vulnerability joins people together.

So there’s the owning of ourselves and the things about our lives that we may not find very sexy. I think for the most part, I’ve begun to master that. But there’s another type of ownership that still tests me often-it’s fully owning my awesomeness. The fact is, I am-and you are-awesome. I used the word “awesome” intentionally. “Awesome” is overused in today’s world; we use it to describe almost anything (food, movies, etc.). But when you look up the definition it means “extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear”. And that’s bible. In fact, the bible says we are “fearfully and wonderfully” made (Psalms 139:14). So knowing that you are awesome should actually be an innate belief-that is how we were designed.

Why then is it hard to accept? I’ve come up with a few reasons;

  1. We are afraid of failing at our own expectations (as if failing has to do with who we are and not what we did).
  2. We don’t want to disappoint people who believe in our greatness.

Both of these reasons really come down to one central issue; fear. I’ve found that 99.999999% of the time, our deepest fears never actually come true, and if they do, it’s usually because we’ve given fear a permission slip to ruin our opportunities. So what do we do with the fear? Going back to ownership, we own that we are afraid, acknowledge it, and let the feeling pass as we walk towards our giants. We choose to not accept the lies fear tells us. Just because we become afraid, doesn’t mean we have to meditate on fearful outcomes. Instead, meditate/focus on the opposite outcome. And exchange one fear for a greater concern…what would happen if I didn’t take this opportunity? What would I keep dealing with if I don’t stick up for myself? What would my life become if I didn’t push past this quick moment of fear? Sometimes you have to have a strong alternative emotion or reason that’s just as strong if not stronger than the fear to overcome it. You’re worth that upgrade. You’re worth the raise (if you’ve been consistently working in excellence). You’re worth the attention and the persistence. It’s not about entitlement-it’s about recognizing who you are and what you’re capable of.

My greatest hope is that at the end of my days, and hopefully yours too, we’re able to attest to the fact that the lives we lived, we dared to live honestly, courageously, and proudly. You’re one of a kind. Your story is your own and people are waiting to hear it. So own it.

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The Rebirth

Hi, my name is Ren. If you’re reading this, that means I mustered up the courage to actually hit “publish”. I’m excited that you’re here and ready to journey with me towards embracing and nurturing all that we were designed to be. Before we get into the nitty gritty, the stories, and the information-I would love to share my story with you. 

Growing up I was not the “cool girl”. I was not the girl who had everything together. In fact, I was deeply insecure for most of my life. Back story; I was about 7 years old when my dad started a church. Was it something I ever expected? Not at all. My dad worked for an insurance company and my mom worked for the city. We became an overnight ministry family with my dad preaching, and my mom and I (along with my cousin) were the worship team. The greatest parts about growing up in a ministry family were the amazing impact it had on my family’s spiritual journey, and meeting some incredible people along the way. The difficult part about it was that those same people I would meet and become emotionally attached to would enter and exit my life consistently throughout my childhood. And let’s be honest-even when people did stay, it was hard to share my parents with what seemed like my entire world and community. With that being the case, feeling rejected or abandoned became a recurring feeling that I would suppress through my early teens.

Other than that-I was not the stereotypical preacher’s kid. If there were a show called “preacher’s kids gone wild”-the producers would find themselves out of a job if they recorded my life. I was a snooze when it came to that, I just genuinely was not interested in living wildly and recklessly. I was, how they say, “very demure”. I believe we all have pain and we all deal with numbing that pain in different ways-and mine was not that. In fact mine was the opposite of that-I was an overachiever and perfectionist. I would do anything in my power to do and be the absolute best in any field, whether that was in school, artistic pursuits, and good behavior. Some would call me a goody two shoes (personally, I don’t think there really is such a thing because if thoughts could kill…I’d be in jail). But the reality is, I was trying to live up to an impossible standard I set for myself to find validation in the approval of people. I always felt different, whether it was due to being a pastor’s kid, being the only black kid in the class, or even just being myself staying on the “straight and narrow” path. This vicious cycle of feeling abandoned, outcasted, and constant people pleasing ultimately lead me to having suicidal thoughts as a pre-teen. Thankfully those thoughts never became methodical, or played out. But I didn’t like my mind, I hated my thoughts and how my thoughts made me feel. And I just wanted to escape it all.

Eventually, I entered into a pretty codependent friendship (not even knowing what codependency was at the time) that left me even more desperate for validation. I became comfortable being a side character in this person’s story rather than being a lead character in my own story. After a few years, the toxicity became more and more evident until it reached a boiling point. We were both to blame really, but I decided it would be in my best interest to end communication. At the time, losing my closest friend was the most difficult decision I ever made, but it was the first healthy decision I made for myself. I remember being in a room in my house I would often go to to play the piano, and I got on my knees and prayed and cried and confessed to God all of what I was feeling. All of my fear. All of my insecurities. The people that hurt me, and the times I hurt myself. I knew I could hide nothing from Him, so I poured it all out. (Sidenote: it is totally possible to know God, but have never received the fullness of what pure love can do for your soul, the key is to expose our most deep, dark places so that they can be touched by it). When I was finished, I looked up and saw on the back of a chair two stickers/letters on each leg. One had an R on it and one had an L on it. A still, small voice inside of me said, “You have two paths in front of you. On one path, you can keep hiding who you truly are to fit in. You’ll be liked, you won’t have to take many risks, and you can be comfortable not knowing what is on the other side of your fears. On the other path, you will have to take on a new identity. You will need to take risks, and consistently do the things that scare you. Some people will reject you. But, you’ll be free.” I honestly had to think about it. Because how many people do you think live today believing they are confident, and even free, but are actually slaves to whatever the culture or environment around them thinks is best for them? How many people would choose being relevant over being authentic? Or being loved versus being honest? I once did. In hindsight, if I had chosen the first option I wouldn’t be here writing to you today. I chose freedom, and then I was given a new name. Remember those two stickers on the back of the chair “L” and “R”? Well, my government name is “Lauren”, but my chosen name from that day forward became “Ren”. The path of freedom was connected to my name.

Now before this idea of freedom becomes associated with just being “weird” or “alternative”-let me stop you there before freedom gets watered down to that. The kind of freedom I mean is the freedom that comes with knowing and having a relationship with the One who made you and who knew you before you were even conceived. Our creator. Accepting every single detail of your true identity, and finding out why you are here in this world. That’s freedom, and even more, that’s purpose. Okay not gonna lie though, I can still be a little weirdo sometimes, and that works just fine for me. Owning all of who you are (which I’ll talk about in a later blog) requires you to courageously dig into every part of yourself and be honest about where you are. We are not projects to be fixed, we are broken people who have the option and ability to heal. Healing is a lot of work, but if I recovered from a severely broken heart and mind, so can you.

I have one single passion for all who are reading-that you would find out who you are and why you are. You are important. You do have a massive impact on the world by just existing. And you are worthy to be seen, known, and loved. Read those last three sentences aloud and breathe that truth deep into your belly. Whatever your past is and whatever your pain is, as long as you are alive you will always have the potential for hope and a future. I was met with hope at one of my lowest moments, and that’s why we can not despise our lows-they are the ground zero of our new beginnings. I’ve messed up plenty of times, I’ve even given into fear many times, but no matter how much my path has had mistakes on it, I continue to bloom because I’m committed to finishing this journey. And I am so honored that I now get to help bring sunlight and water to your own blossoming tree. My name is Ren, and I’m ready to continue to discover the real me, are you?