Leave Me Alone

“Leave me alone,” are the words that I imagine echo in the inner chasms of the modern day woman’s mind when asked for anything. I’m not saying men aren’t as busy as women, that wouldn’t be fair, I’m just speaking from my experience. There are some extra mental and emotional stresses that women in particular carry. That might get me in a little bit of trouble, but I think I’ll stand by it anyway. Allow me to give you some context surrounding my thoughts: I was finishing up my hair one day (which for a black girl with curly hair means after about 3 hours of labor) when I realized I made the mistake of promising to make dinner directly afterwards. My day had already consisted of spiritual devotion in the morning, a physical workout, mental exertion (work and life responsibilities), relational responsibilities (I have a husband and a puppy), and then I had to commence my dreaded 3 hour “hair wash day”. Not to mention, the unspoken expectation on me as a woman to be nice, and look nice in the midst of it all. Safe to say, we laid our burdens on to Doordash that night. 

Then I thought about something, something deep, something profound, something striking; if my life is busy now, imagine what it would be like with kids! I cringed at the thought of it, but after a while I challenged this narrative and idea that children are what/who to blame when your life starts to spiral out of control. I don’t think it’s exclusively a kid problem, I don’t even know if it’s more responsibilities that lead your life to spiral out of control. If you find yourself constantly stressed-and I’m not talking about occasional or normal stress, I’m talking about chronic and constant stress that causes you to gradually lose your taste for life (I’ve been there)-I want you to consider two things: 

1. What are the external and internal expectations that you currently live with? 
2. Are you taking advantage of the help that is available, or are you only reliant or trusting of yourself?

A wise man (my father) once told me stress is found where there is a lack of clear structure. If we are to build a sustainable life, we must first establish a sustainable structure for our lives. I  want to start with breaking down unrealistic societal expectations first. Spoiler alert: this breakdown will focus on the female experience as I feel ill equipped to speak to the male experience. However, men, please continue to read on to better understand your other halves.

From the beginning of time, the sole purpose of being a woman was thought to be: to serve her family. That meant while your husband was outside working, you were at home cooking, cleaning, and bearing and caring for the children. While the men were working, women were at home working just as hard. However, that all changed during the age of feminism. There were some women who were brave enough to be the minority by posing a new way of thinking; women are just as valuable in the workplace as men are. Women joined the workforce, became CEOs and entrepreneurs, joined the military, and more, and proved that they could be both a boss and a homemaker. If we’re keeping track, that’s two expectations, and two jobs; one full-time job as the homemaker, and now another full-time job on top of that as a breadwinner. Nothing wrong with being both, but I want us to paint a clear picture of what expectations we’re actually living with.

Now here’s the best part, currently in today’s society we have been awakened  to the idea of self-care. You may be wondering how I am about to make self care out to be a “bad” thing. It’s not that it is a bad thing, it’s that when taken out of context, it has become yet another societal pressure. The pressure is to look good, feel good, and be good all the time. It’s not enough to cook meals; you have to cook healthy. We try pescetarianism, veganism, and workout 5 days a week to maintain a 20 year old’s figure. You must keep your nail, hair, and wax appointments around the clock. You have to find a hobby to stay interesting, and you have to go to brunch with your girlfriends once a month. If you don’t do all of this, clearly you’re not living your best life. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s job number 3!

Here’s what I think makes a difference: self care is not about what’s good for everyone, it’s about what’s good for you. If getting groomed isn’t your thing, but nature is, ditch the excessive beauty appointments and spend time outdoors. If going out to brunch with friends doesn’t appeal to you, start reading a book with your friend group and have a virtual book club. I still think you should eat as healthy as you can and exercise, but you don’t have to be on Kim Kardashian’s diet and workout routine to be healthy. Look for recipes for healthier versions of the foods you like. I live in Texas so this may get me cancelled-but quit frying and start baking that chicken! If it’s seasoned and juicy, what’s the actual problem? If you hate the gym, find a way to move your body multiple times a week that is more enjoyable for you (I like long walks, dancing, and at home workouts). My point is-I think what ties us up is the unrealistic expectation that what works for another woman has to work for us. Our mothers were homemakers, so we should be able to do it without help too. Or our role models are bosses and CEO’s that still have families, so we should be able to do it all too (not realizing that they usually have a support system or even support staff in their daily lives). When we get caught up in comparison to others, we lose the joy in what works for us because we see it as less than. It’s time to let go of the unhealthy expectations of ourselves and others, and start rebuilding a more meaningful and sustainable lifestyle. But we can do none of this without the second part, which is asking for help.

This is the moment where we start to cringe. “Help? Who is that? I don’t know her,” is typically the reaction we humorously give when people ask us if we’ve asked for help when we’re overwhelmed. Sometimes we can get so caught up in the day to day busyness that “asking for help” just seems like an additional task to add to our to-do lists. It feels like a chore because of the level of strategy it takes when thinking of what would make sense for who to do what when, and the vulnerability it takes to then ask that person for the help. Not to mention the potential disappointment you’d feel if the person says no. After all of that mental and emotional exertion we become so tired considering asking for help that we never do it. The fear of rejection or “being looked down on” if we ask for help is far too common. We must also make sure that we are not looking down on others who ask for help, just because we are honestly upset with ourselves for not asking for help. It is a vicious cycle that only boomerangs around to hurt ourselves. It’s better to ask for help and be rejected until we find the right support, than to not ask at all and risk stretching ourselves too thin.

There’s a saying “it takes a village to raise a child”, well I believe it takes a village to simply be a human. At some point, whether we like it or not, we are going to have to ask someone for help on our level. For some people, help may look like hiring child care, or a cleaning company. For others it may look like asking a trusted family member or friend to watch your kids, or asking your husband to evenly split the household chores. I’ll give you one more example-on the journey of fitness, I’ve found that it is much more fun and rewarding to take on a fitness challenge with a friend group. You laugh through the pain together, encourage each other, bounce ideas off each other, and can celebrate victories. Life is much sweeter when you let people in and ask for the kind of support you need. How else can we allow ourselves to be fully seen? I encourage you today to first identify the unrealistic internal and societal pressures that are placed on you so that you can rebuild your ideal life, and then include a support system. My hope is that this new train of thought will help turn our “leave me alone” moments into “welcome to the village” moments.