The most beautiful things you will build in this life are things you can’t see; building your faith or self-esteem, building memories with loved ones, building a love over a lifetime with your spouse, building your character, building bridges. You get the picture. This is the unspoken but always present reality of this life we’re gifted to live. We are often only reminded of the value of those things when we take them for granted, or when it may be too late. I was hit by a truck with this reality throughout the entirety of last year.
2024, I’ve discovered, meant a lot of different things to a lot of different people. For some, great progress, for others, great pain. The common thread I’ve gathered from a lot of people was that it was a time of great change. For me, the year started off somewhat normal and even “glamorous” on the surface. I went on a work retreat with my husband to Honolulu in January and got to see some family and friends from our church in LA. Unknown to me at the time was that my great grandmother was in the process of transitioning to heaven. Less than a month after we returned from home, we found out she had passed away. The news came as a shock for multiple reasons:
- She was seemingly recovering from the condition she was originally hospitalized for. In fact, they were planning to release her shortly before she passed.
- The day we found out that news, we were visiting my husband’s side of the family because his grandfather was also preparing to transition.
An unexpected and great amount of loss gripped me and my husband’s lives within less than a month. But one thing to know about me is that I am a functional processor. What does that mean? It means that I move with my sadness, I don’t sit on it. The tricky part about that is, I can have a powerful moment of worship, or one night of ugly crying, or a great conversation, and I feel like my healing process is completed. It’s why in the past I’ve sat with a therapist 2-3 times, felt like I got the advice I was looking for, and then stopped going ever again because “I got what I needed”. I am a high functioning healer. Sometimes I even function the best when I’m in pain. But the question that haunts me in the back of my mind is- am I subtly leaving my wounds unhealed? Do I sometimes understate the pain I’m actually in? The answer is yes. But I’m working on it. And I hope you’ll do the same.
Sometimes we just need to say “I’m sad” or “that hurt me” to someone we trust. Maybe the very reason people may not check on us is because we never give them reason to. See it’s one thing to know you’re the strong friend and not want to be it, it’s another thing to start doing the work to get out of that habit. Some people do very well at falling apart in front of the people they trust, and being very candid and open in their weak moments. That is not me-it’s just not my reflex. My reflex is to help others but keep most of my weaknesses to myself. Ugh. I know that’s bad, you don’t have to tell me. Coming out of my last therapy session, I realized that I mostly process things alone. And I felt like that worked, because I would actually feel better sometimes. But because I processed within, not only was I missing the benefit of my relationships, my relationships were missing the benefit of truly knowing me. Without being open with my people, I wasn’t letting them see me or giving them the opportunity to love me better by teaching them how. Even Jesus was willing to let people see Him in His weakest moment in the garden of Gethsemane. Now they may have fallen asleep, but He was still willing!
This was a lesson I had to learn by disruption, not by choice. The passing of my great grandmother started my year, but the end of the year brought a decent amount of pain as well. Within one week, there was a health scare with my grandfather, a childhood family friend passed suddenly and tragically, and to finish off the week there was another health scare with my other great-grandmother. At a certain point, I just lost all of my “spiritual etiquette”, looked up at the sky and said “God-okay. This is too much. Please slow down.” But then I thought about something-I don’t have a choice in what does or doesn’t happen to me in this life. Unexpected surprises, or heartaches, are common in this life. In this moment, that reality was staring at me blankly in the face. The reality is, we all must return to our maker someday, and all things must eventually come to an end. The only, and I mean only thing that we can put our hope in-is in the things we can’t see. God. Love. Eternity. This life can be so disappointing. Between deaths, divorces, relationship dynamics changing, moving, what is there to really hold on to forever? Moments are constantly slipping through our fingers and we can’t hold on to them. They keep moving. But that’s why we can’t hold on to our lives too tightly, but trust in God’s plan for us always. Even when those plans sometimes don’t make sense while we’re on Earth’s side, He will give us exactly what we need in the moment that we need it. Whether high or low, happy or sad, dark or light.
Even in the midst of the sadness, I realized I had everything I needed. I had a husband who held me through it all, and a family who loved and supported me. I’ll pause right there because I’m not naive to the fact that there are some single ladies and fellas reading this or some people who have strained relationships with their families. I want to encourage you right now, friend. There is always something or someone for you if you look hard enough. Whether it’s a friend, a teacher or mentor, a therapist, a recovery class, sometimes even a podcast. Something is always there, the question is-are we letting them/it in? If you can relate to my “high functioning healing” self, maybe by now you’ve noticed that you can’t completely heal in isolation. It just. Won’t. Work. This year I have two challenges for us; I’m challenging us to be bravely, completely, and painfully open with someone(s) you trust. It may just save our lives.
Can you live again? After death in any form has reshaped your world? Yes. You can dream again, you can start again, you CAN build again. But when you start to build again, (here’s the second challenge), make sure that you’re building towards something you can’t see. It’s the invisible things that last forever.
ItsreallyRen 