“Change is like a dagger,” are the words that came to mind as I sat up in my bed, still in my pajamas with crusty eyes at 11 AM, 3 days into unemployment. You would think that after willfully resigning with the desire to deep dive fully into what I perceived as my “next”, that I would at least be in an excited, fun loving mood. I mean- at least while I’m just 3 days in right? Nope. I found myself wide awake at 3AM the night before. After 30 minutes of trying to go back to sleep, then 45, then an hour, I decided “let’s just throw in the towel”, and I literally leapt like a lunatic out of bed. I tip toed down the stairs to not awaken my husband or my dog (the latter probably most important) and into the living room. I paced around that living room for an hour, my mind racing with thoughts of “Am I stupid?” “Did I really do this for the right reasons?” “Is it too late to go back?” “Of course it is!” (Aren’t you so glad these vulnerable moments tend to happen when no one else is around to see us).
The truth is, change is like a dagger, my friends. It’s a more intimate and gentle way of dying. Change is a dagger to your ego. Whatever you thought was sustaining you in a previous season, has to disappear to make space for your next. Change requires you to lose who you were so you can become who you’re going to be. That’s what I was experiencing in that moment of frustrated and relentless questioning. In hindsight, I was peeling back the layers of myself that I had come to comfortably live on auto pilot with. I love and hate change, like most people do. We love it when we’re on the brink of it, because the idea of things being better than they are now sounds as delicious as a chocolate molten lava cake. We love the idea of quitting the “9 to 5” to make room for the career or purpose of your dreams. The promise of a future where you are your own boss, not limited to anyone’s expectations, and making profit on your passion-who wouldn’t want that? But what does that look like in the meantime? Budgeting, downsizing, saving more, spending less. Taking odd jobs. It looks like not taking that vacation you were planning to go on, or eating out every weekend at your favorite restaurant. It looks like maybe NOT being financially independent for a season and relying on your spouse to be the primary bread winner. Ouch-that one hurts just typing it! Or maybe we love the idea of getting married. But even the right person causes you to lose the focus you once had all to yourself. (Every relationship is a distraction, the question is- is it a beneficial one or a dangerous one?). When you’re married, you must take that other person into consideration with every decision you make. I’ll tell on myself for a minute as I’m no expert on this…there was an instance where this was put to the test in my life.
My husband and I were newly weds living in Los Angeles in 2022, and my entire immediate family had just moved to Dallas only a few months after our wedding. My family had flown back to LA to visit right before my sister Makenzie’s birthday. This would be the first time in history I had missed a sibling’s birthday, and birthdays were/are a HUGE deal in my family. I was outside in the backyard grumbling to my family about how much I hated that I was missing the birthday party, while my husband was inside the house for a few minutes. Like an unexpected gift from an angel above, I was offered the opportunity to fly to Dallas to experience the party and then fly back to LA the following day! I completely jumped at the opportunity without any thought or question. I knew that my husband would not be able to make it, he had work to do in LA, but I thought-it’s just a quick turnaround trip-what could it hurt? Within the span of 5-10 minutes the flight had already been booked. You read that right-booked! (To their defense- the person who offered to fly me out likely assumed I had at least texted my husband to make him aware before I arranged my trip). But here I was, trip fully booked, and I ran gleefully inside the house to tell my husband that I was leaving in a few days. Thank God he is a gracious man, but let’s just say, I realized very quickly that my “single girl” mentality was going to have to die just as quickly as those flight tickets were booked.
This is just one example of what you don’t even realize will have to be adjusted when you go from living single to being married. You may need to do some things you never had to do when you were single. Change means work. And if we’re not careful, we’ll start to secretly resent the things we once prayed for. However, it’s also okay to grieve what once was. I’m currently grieving the simplicity of knowing exactly what to expect out of my life and myself. I’ve grieved my previous job title, and the pride that came with it. I’ve grieved what it felt like to know without question when my next check was coming. As I sit in my new home in Dallas, TX after a year of being here, there are still moments where I grieve Los Angeles. I’m grieving-even though my husband and I knew Dallas was knocking at the door of our destiny, even though I feel more peace and purpose here than ever before-I still grieve sometimes. See how tricky change can be? Happy, sad, mad, and glad can all reside inside of you in a single moment. And that’s okay. The question is- are you making space in your life to feel the entirety of your emotions? Adapting to change is a process that requires time, patience, and compassion for others and self. Don’t be too hard on yourself for being human.
The funny thing is, I started this particular blog entry about 6 months ago when I first took a leap of faith and resigned from my previous job. Today, as I finish writing this blog, I am just a few days away from being officially introduced into my next and arguably most destiny aligned role yet. In between then and now, I’ve cried, laughed, panicked, had peace, asked for help, and helped myself; but perhaps the most important thing I did was yield to the process of change. I had goals and ambitions, but never could I have pictured precisely how I’d get to where I am now. I had to yield and often times surrender to the voice of God for each and every step I took, even when I didn’t fully understand it. Maybe you’re in a season of grieving what once was. The past can become a monument in our lives, and if we’re not careful, we’ll idolize our past at the expense of our future. Change is difficult, but I can think of something worse than change-forever staying the same. Never knowing what you could have become or the potential of your life. Seeing another person live out the dream that was once yours, but you settled for less. Secretly dying inside every day knowing you have so much more to offer the world. Remember-change is only for a season and change will soon become your new normal. But deciding to stay the same could cost you the rest of your life.
So with tears in my eyes, I’ll take the dagger. I hope you’ll do the same.
ItsreallyRen 