Weddings just so happen to be one of my favorite things in life. As a kid I remember being chosen as a flower girl for a woman that went to our church. My sister and I were the lucky girls that got to dress up in beautiful satin lavender dresses, go to the hair salon to get our hair pressed, and be featured guests in that beautiful picture-esque fairytale day that every girl dreams of. As a grown woman who has already had a wedding of her own, I still love going to weddings. In fact, after one whole entire year of not going to one, I’m having slight withdrawals. Now I’ve undoubtedly been to some weddings that were “nicer than others” and some where things went wrong, but at the end of the day, weddings are normally a joyous occasion that surround the love and excitement of two blissfully happy people. There is no disaster that can take that away. The only way to make a wedding day a true disaster is if the bride and groom are a toxic couple.
Imagine the groom saying to the bride on their wedding day “I don’t love you. You are nothing, you are worthless, and I just need a wife for the convenience”. Or vice versa the bride saying to the groom “you are stupid, you’ll never be good enough, but I need you to carry out my life’s plan.” Then they dress up, smile, and go about their wedding day like nothing happened. Sounds like an episode of Scandal. If you’ve ever been around a couple that are visibly bitter and cold with each other all the time, you know that it completely sucks the joy out of the room. Everything feels tense and awkward, and you want to run away. If we understand it is bad for us to be in external environments such as that, then why do we allow toxic environments in our own minds? Because when a negative voice in our head starts speaking to us and we accept it, we are making vows with it. We are accepting it into our lives, and giving it room to not only live with us, but grow with us. Sometimes the negative voice may come from outside of us, often times it can unfortunately come from a family member or authority figure. Wherever it comes from, the moment that we welcome it and ultimately agree with it-boom-we’ve just had a wedding.
I lived for almost 15 years married to a lie about who I was. A person I loved at a very early age told me I was “timid” and “shy”. In hindsight, what they were observing in me is that I was introspective. Looking back at the evidence of my childhood- I was constantly doing choir solos at my church, I was lively and playful, and usually would volunteer to speak or sing just about anywhere! However, because of that one moment where this person falsely identified one particular trait I had, I clammed up like a shell from that point forward. It’s not that I didn’t have the ability to be courageous, I didn’t believe I was courageous. I made a vow with those words “timid” and “shy” until it actually became who I was. Sidenote: there is nothing wrong with being naturally an introvert (I’m an introvert with extroverted tendencies). Some of my favorite people are actually introverts. However, the problem is that I agreed with being timid, which is completely different. Timidity is parallel with fear. And fear, when used counter productively, creates chaos in our lives. Some vows need to be broken, and I’ll tell you how to do it. You challenge them.
My husband and I recently helped my parents by babysitting my younger sisters while they were traveling. As a part of our “bootleg summer camp” as I called it, we took my youngest sister Ella to one of her favorite trampoline parks. Although she was excited to be at one of her favorite places, there was one particular section in the park that sparked some nervous curiosity. There were about 7 tall padded cylinder blocks that were arranged in a half circle, each one getting progressively taller as you go, like a set of stairs. The kids were strapped to a harness as they were able to climb the blocks, and once they got to the last one, they could jump off and slowly float down to the matted floor. Ella, although hesitant about going all the way up, decided to try it, and each turn she went she climbed one cylinder higher. We probably embarrassed her the way we were cheering her on and preaching at her to “just take one more step baby!” and “you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you!”. But it worked, and we were so proud of her!
After a few more turns, a mother came behind us in line with two of her daughters, one younger and one older. As we were cheering my sister on, she started talking to us about how excited her two daughters were to be there. When it was her older daughter’s turn to go next, she made a statement to us in front of both of her daughters about how her youngest was more brave and adventurous, but her oldest was more fearful and probably wouldn’t do it. The next thing that happened blessed me in a profound way; her oldest daughter, overhearing the conversation, said three simple but profound words, “no I’m not”. Then proceeded to start climbing the cylinders all the way to the top and jumped down almost aggressively, and when she was done she even went for a second turn. I didn’t realize it immediately in that moment, but my inner little girl felt redeemed. I was happy for the girl that she was able to disagree with what could’ve ultimately been a trap for her identity for the rest of her life. It took me almost a decade to disagree with/divorce a lie and see it for what it was. Who could’ve known that just three words “no I’m not” could be so powerful?
What lies about yourself or your life do you need to divorce? Maybe all your life you believed you were unattractive, unworthy, or unlovable. What person do/did you need to disagree with that you’ve let have power over you for so long? Maybe it’s a parent or a teacher. I’ll tell you something though, the words “no I’m not” will hold no weight if you don’t believe that you are something different. To disrupt the pattern of thinking that I was timid and afraid, I had to believe that I was bold and courageous. I had to start “acting like” a person that didn’t agree with fear. But this was beyond just faking it until you make it, it was a commitment to mentally, emotionally, and physically agreeing with the truth. The hardest part about it was that the truth didn’t always feel like my truth. I was actually afraid. I did have some social anxiety. I spent more time being timid than I did speaking up for myself. But in spite of the “truth” of the reality of where I was coming from, I decided to embrace the greater truth of where I was going. It took work, therapy, and straight up God! But one day (I don’t know exactly when it happened) I started to fly with new wings. When you change your mind you can change your life. How do I know? Proverbs 23:7 (NKJV) in the bible says “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he”. I leave you with this-when you think about the voice that lives rent free inside of your head, see it as a person. Then ask yourself this-are we a toxic couple or a match made in heaven?
I only have two requests of you today, divorce the lies, and choose love.
ItsreallyRen 