Own It

“For what is a man, what has he got?

If not himself, then he has naught”

-Frank Sinatra

So many times in life we hear the saying “just own it”. There are undoubtedly more times than not that the “it” someone is trying to get us to “own” feels like a recipe for trouble-that’s why we were trying to cover up the “it” in the first place. They want you to admit something that you want, did, or sometimes an entire side of yourself that you wanted to keep hidden.

They want you to own that you like someone that could cause you potential embarrassment if you admitted it. Or maybe they want you to own that you actually hate the banana pudding that your grandma proudly makes every Thanksgiving. (And that’s a secret that you would take to your grave). Then there are some deeper, darker truths that we don’t want to own-like the fact that for our entire lives we’ve been shrinking ourselves to try to fit into the world around us. Some people look in the mirror and hate what they see, but instead of owning that truth, they wear ego like a disguise for the lack of confidence they really have. But I’ll let you in on something; it’s better to own the ugly parts of ourselves. Why? Because if we don’t ever own those things, we can never heal. 

Okay, that may have been a bit heavy to start off with-so let me fill you in on something more light hearted about my own struggles with owning all of myself. About 5-6 years ago, there was one specific detail about me that was difficult for me to own. In fact, I still struggled recently to decide if I would publicly share this. Are you ready? I, Lauren Roberts-Headlee had never been in one single romantic relationship until I was 23 years old. I mean not even a date. Not even a 1 week middle school fling. So step to the side Yvonne Orji and Rebel Wilson for admitting to still being virgins in your 30s…your girl over here had never even had a first kiss until her early twenties! Okay, some of you may read that and say “what’s the big deal?” 23 is a perfectly healthy age to decide to start dating. The only problem with that statement is…it wasn’t exactly by choice…(womp womp womp). I can type this while laughing and joking about it now because that stage seems so far away, but you have to put yourself in my shoes at that time. I was young and vulnerable, and the boys that I tended to like didn’t like me back the same way. Of course, the boys I didn’t want wanted me, but who pays attention to that? While I watched my friends get swept into romances (no matter how good or toxic they seemed) I felt severely left out. What did I do wrong? Why can’t I be more like (fill in the blank)? What do I need to change about myself to be loved? These were the subconscious thoughts swirling through my head daily. Maybe if you discard the specific situation I was in, you’ll find that you also live with these questions that you dare not say out loud.

One thing I’ve recognized is that it’s so much easier to try to change ourselves into something that looks like it already works, rather than embrace what makes us different. Now, would owning all of who I was at that time make me walk in more confidence and ultimately lead me to score the man of my dreams back then? Maybe, maybe not. But I can tell you this; if I had decided to give up my identity and values and become someone else to attract men that, in hindsight, weren’t the right fit for me-my husband probably wouldn’t have been drawn to me once we finally met. The people that are truly meant to love you the way you deserve to be loved are waiting on you to be the real you. I chose (some days painfully) to not only accept but embrace who I was-a beautiful, perpetually single, high standard-having, fine cup of mocha coffee, and whoever was meant for me was going to find me. To my delight, Iove was waiting for me just around the corner. The bottom line is this-when you subconsciously accept the lie that who you are “isn’t good enough” you will constantly find yourself in situations where you will feel rejected. And you will feel rejected not because there’s anything wrong with you, but because you are looking for a stamp of approval in people who even at their best aren’t worthy to validate who you are. That is a God sized job. Your circle of friendships/relationships should just confirm the great things that you already believe about yourself. And if they don’t-it’s time to find a different circle.

Maybe you’re looking at yourself right now and saying “okay, but what if the part of myself that I’m afraid to own is actually a legitimate problem?”. Owning who you are is not about embracing the uglier parts of you just so that you can stay that way. Admitting where you currently are is the first step in planning how to get to where you are going. I used to know someone who would constantly admit that they were “lazy”, and wear it like a badge of honor. While I appreciated the honesty, they simply embraced that fact and didn’t aim to be better (probably because they were lazy). All jokes aside, that is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about circumstances when we are living in deep denial about ourselves, and won’t admit to our issues because we don’t want to be vulnerable enough to admit that we are weak in certain areas. That is a dangerous way to live. You can’t heal what you won’t reveal. The way I see it we have two options-reveal our ugly parts for one season so that we can heal and live freely-or cover it up and let it live under the rug taunting us for the rest of our lives. You will feel vulnerable and you will feel weak when you expose your ugly parts in the beginning, but over time the very thing that was taunting you will one day become a story about what you overcame by facing it head on. And when you do, you will be surprised at just how many other people go through the same type of pain. Hiding brings isolation, while vulnerability joins people together.

So there’s the owning of ourselves and the things about our lives that we may not find very sexy. I think for the most part, I’ve begun to master that. But there’s another type of ownership that still tests me often-it’s fully owning my awesomeness. The fact is, I am-and you are-awesome. I used the word “awesome” intentionally. “Awesome” is overused in today’s world; we use it to describe almost anything (food, movies, etc.). But when you look up the definition it means “extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear”. And that’s bible. In fact, the bible says we are “fearfully and wonderfully” made (Psalms 139:14). So knowing that you are awesome should actually be an innate belief-that is how we were designed.

Why then is it hard to accept? I’ve come up with a few reasons;

1. We are afraid of failing at our own expectations (as if failing has to do with who we are and not what we did).
2. We don’t want to disappoint people who believe in our greatness.

Both of these reasons really come down to one central issue; fear. I’ve found that 99.999999% of the time, our deepest fears never actually come true, and if they do, it’s usually because we’ve given fear a permission slip to ruin our opportunities. So what do we do with the fear? Going back to ownership, we own that we are afraid, acknowledge it, and let the feeling pass as we walk towards our giants. We choose to not accept the lies fear tells us. Just because we become afraid, doesn’t mean we have to meditate on fearful outcomes. Instead, meditate/focus on the opposite outcome. And exchange one fear for a greater concern…what would happen if I didn’t take this opportunity? What would I keep dealing with if I don’t stick up for myself? What would my life become if I didn’t push past this quick moment of fear? Sometimes you have to have a strong alternative emotion or reason that’s just as strong if not stronger than the fear to overcome it. You’re worth that upgrade. You’re worth the raise (if you’ve been consistently working in excellence). You’re worth the attention and the persistence. It’s not about entitlement-it’s about recognizing who you are and what you’re capable of.

My greatest hope is that at the end of my days, and hopefully yours too, we’re able to attest to the fact that the lives we lived, we dared to live honestly, courageously, and proudly. You’re one of a kind. Your story is your own and people are waiting to hear it. So own it.